John's Jewels
Here, presented below for you enjoyment is a compendium of time wasting, e-mail inbox hogging, internet junk that has been forwarded to me via e-mail by various colleagues, friends and family members who obviously have nothing better to do with their time and resources!Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Little Girl on a Plane
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.
He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with a fellow passenger.
"The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,
"What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal
health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that is?
"The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and
says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming,
universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Golf Cart Accidents
One day many years ago, during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
"It's John and I'm okay thanks," I replied.
"John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now"
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
I said...... "Probably still under the cart......"
The Queen's Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one"
He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about
people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between
them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your
wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are
you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between
them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your
wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are
you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
The
Italian Funeral...
A
Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his
espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A
black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was
a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind
him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in
single-file.
The
Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am
so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to
disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My
wife's.” "What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my
dog attacked and killed her.” He inquired further, "But
who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came
to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her
also.”
A
very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian
brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The
Jewish man then asked, "can I borrow the dog?” The Italian
man replied, "Go at the end of the line."
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
The Missus and I
|
The wife's back on the warpath again. Last nite she said she
wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold
auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ´Screw it, I’ll soldier on!
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was
wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen
floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I
remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. |
Friday, February 21, 2014
Man Killed on Golf Course . . .. The Price of Honesty!
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu**ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds:
"Well, there you have it...
You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 68.......
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Why the Olympics are called the Olympics
A slave call
girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet
unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ...
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while
competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before
and throughout the variety of events.
At
the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of
naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
"Oh!! Limp Pricks!!!
Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into " "Olympics".
Thursday, January 23, 2014
THIS CAME FROM ENGLAND Checking
out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older
woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because Plastic bags
weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young cashier responded, "That's our problem today - your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re- used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalized our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building. We walked to the local shop and didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.
But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's Terry Towel nappies because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy- gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every room and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Scotland In the kitchen. We blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $50,000 People Carrier which cost the same as a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest Pub!
But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart arse young person...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to xxxx us off...especially from a xxxxx smartarse who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is!
Here endeth the xxx lesson!
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young cashier responded, "That's our problem today - your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re- used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalized our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building. We walked to the local shop and didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.
But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's Terry Towel nappies because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy- gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every room and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Scotland In the kitchen. We blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $50,000 People Carrier which cost the same as a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest Pub!
But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart arse young person...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to xxxx us off...especially from a xxxxx smartarse who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is!
Here endeth the xxx lesson!
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had Lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is Engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married for over 20 years.
We were chatting about our Relationships and decided
To amaze our men by Greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, Stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed To meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's How it all went.
My engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came
Over he Found me with a black leather bodice, tall
Stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are
The woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
Passionate love all Night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a Raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels
And Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat
He didn't say a word, But he started to tremble and
We had wild sex all Night.
Then I had to share my Story:
When my husband came home I Was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos And a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door And saw me he said,
"What's for Dinner, Batman?"
I had Lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is Engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married for over 20 years.
We were chatting about our Relationships and decided
To amaze our men by Greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, Stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed To meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's How it all went.
My engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came
Over he Found me with a black leather bodice, tall
Stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are
The woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
Passionate love all Night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a Raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels
And Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat
He didn't say a word, But he started to tremble and
We had wild sex all Night.
Then I had to share my Story:
When my husband came home I Was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos And a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door And saw me he said,
"What's for Dinner, Batman?"
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