John's Jewels

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today by Monsignor Tom Hartman and Rabbi Marc Gellman (the God Squad) at a press conference held at Rockerfeller Center, that Christmas and Chanukah would merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While all details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead costs of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah were becoming prohibitively expensive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the Dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin inscriptions, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to a great miracle that happened, the message on the Dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous Stuff Happens”. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared to be happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.

The press conference ended by Father Hartman and Rabbi Gellman leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.

Happy Kwanza!

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Captain, Judith Campbell, and her crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

”Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer refer to it as the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair

1974: The perfect high
2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Growing pot
2004: Growing pot belly

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974: Killer weed
2004: Weed killer

1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco
2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the driver's test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things : The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are! They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life, and don't forget the youngins so they can see what the stone age was like.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; “Well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any Italian bread?”

She said, “Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?”

He said, “I want 5 loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves . . . it'll get hard.”

He replied, “Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?”

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything... he might just be in a coma or something.

"The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. Finally, the cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry... if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20... but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.

"The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front doorwith a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt latermarried Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rathernervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt--

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small cabin deep within the boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me."

“He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."