John's Jewels

"BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED. I HAVE BEEN WITH A LOOSE WOMAN,"

THE PRIEST ASKS, "IS THAT YOU, LITTLE TOMMY O'SHAUGHNESSY?"

"YES, FATHER, TIS I."

"AND WHO WAS THE WOMAN YOU WERE WITH?"

"SURE AND I CAN'T BE TELLING YOU, FATHER. I DON'T WANT TO RUIN HER REPUTATION."

"WELL, TOMMY. I'M SURE TO FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER, SO YOU MAY AS WELL TELL ME NOW. WAS IT BRENDA O'MALLEY?"

"I CANNOT SAY."

"WAS IT PATRICIA KELLY?"

"I'LL NEVER TELL."

WAS IT BRYDIE SHANNON?"

I'M SORRY, BUT I'LL NOT NAME HER."

"WAS IT MARY CATHERINE MORGAN?"

"ME LIPS ARE SEALED FATHER."

WAS IT FIONA MCDONALD, THEN?"

"PLEASE, FATHER, I CANNOT TELL YOU."

THE PRIEST SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION. "YOUR'RE A STEADFAST LAD, TOMMY O'SHAUGHNESSY, AND I ADMIRE THAT, BUT YOU'VE SINNED, AND YOU MUST ATONE. YOU CANNOT ATTEND CHURCH FOR THREE MONTHS. BE OFF WITH YOU NOW."

TOMMY WALKS BACK TO HIS PEW.

HIS FRIEND SEAN SLIDES OVER AND WHISPERS, "WHAT DID YOU GET?"

"THREE MONTH'S VACATION AND FIVE GOOD LEADS", SAYS TOMMY!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?" The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit, 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits the ball 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit, 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom, hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas.”

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

“And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God, or my name isn’t William Jefferson Clinton."

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.

"The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This goddam gun was loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

A little boy got on a bus and sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

A cop got out of his car after he stopped a kid for speeding. As he approached the boy’s car the kid rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up that read “low bridge ahead." Before he knew it the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived on the scene. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, "Nah, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A lone agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Snappy Answer # 6,

A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. “Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was finally restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' We will never "interfere" again.

2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. if they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

There Now, ain't that a winner of a plan?



"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?

The Language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...

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“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Tom Clancy

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”Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen

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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield

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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes - Benz SL."

Lynn Lavner

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"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

Matt Barry

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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

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"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

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"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."

Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son - of - a - bitch."

Jack Nicholson

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"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

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"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

Roseanne

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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

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"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

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"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld

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"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

Rod Stewart

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"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

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"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships".

Sharon Stone

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Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys are left.

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too, because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out he got a break also, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, he too got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave his best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first three explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has several boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side..." In unison, his three guys say, "What's the bright side?""His boyfriends just gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!" exclaims the fourth guy.

The Italian says,

"When I've a finished a makina da love with ah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies,

"Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says,

"That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains and she hits the freakin ceiling."

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did:

· I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

· I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

· My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

· While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

· Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

· This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story! We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There were no credit cards, laser beams or ballpoint pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir".

We were born before gay-rights, computer dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends- not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, the Internet, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap...and how old do you think I am ???.....

Pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Grandma is 58
How could so much go wrong in such a short time?

You get one point for every correct answer.

(Don't peek at the answers 'til you try it. Put your score in the subject line!)

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and
pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni



14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
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ANSWERS
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with
an eye brow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.
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SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat.
Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!

At about the time the original 13 states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinborough, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian republic some 2,000 years prior:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse over loose fiscal policy, (which is) always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:
From bondage to spiritual faith;
From spiritual faith to great courage;
From courage to liberty;
From liberty to abundance;
From abundance to complacency;
From complacency to apathy;
From apathy to dependence;
From dependence back into bondage."

In this light, Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts about the most recent Presidential election:
Population of counties won:
> Gore, 127 million;
> Bush, 143 million;
Square miles of land won:
> Gore, 580,000;
> Bush, 2,427,000;
States won:
> Gore, 19;
> Bush, 29;
Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won:
> Gore, 13.2;
> Bush, 2.1.
Professor Olson adds, "In aggregate, the map of territory that Bush won was (mostly) land owned by tax-payers. Gore's territory encompassed citizens living in government-owned tenements and on of welfare. Olson believes the U.S. now is somewhere between the 'apathy' and the 'complacency' phases of Professor Tyler's definition, with some 40 percent of the nation's population already having reached the 'governmental dependency' phase.

H. L. Mencken said it more succinctly: "Every election is an advance auction of stolen goods."

When everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven, God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl nights out have to stop. My wife came home with no panties".

"That's nothing," said the other husband "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said 'from all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!'

If you really believe that President BUSH lied - - THAT THERE NEVER
WERE ANY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION IN IRAQ AND HE TOOK US TO WAR SOLELY FOR HIS OIL BUDDIES -- then read this.

***************************

"One way or the other, we are determined to deny Iraq the capacity to develop weapons of mass destruction and the missiles to deliver them. That is our bottom line."

President Clinton, Feb. 4, 1998

***************************

"If Saddam rejects peace and we have to use force, our purpose is clear. We want to seriously diminish the threat posed by Iraq's weapons of mass destruction program."

President Clinton, Feb. 17, 1998

***************************

"Iraq is a long way from [the USA], but what happens there matters a great deal here. For the risks that the leaders of a rogue state will use nuclear, chemical or biological weapons against us or our allies is the greatest security threat we face."

Madeline Albright, Feb 18, 1998

***************************

"He will use those weapons of mass destruction again, as he has ten times since 1983."

Sandy Berger, Clinton National Security Adviser, Feb 18, 1998

***************************

"We urge you, after consulting with Congress, and consistent with the U.S. Constitution and laws, to take necessary actions (including, if appropriate, air and missile strikes on suspect Iraqi sites) to respond effectively to the threat posed by Iraq's refusal to end its weapons of mass destruction programs."

Letter to President Clinton, signed by Sens. Carl Levin, Tom Daschle, John Kerry
and others Oct. 9, 1998

***************************

"Saddam Hussein has been engaged in the development of weapons of mass destruction technology which is a threat to countries in the region and he has made a mockery of the weapons inspection process."

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D, CA), Dec. 16, 1998

***************************

"Hussein has chosen to spend his money on building weapons of mass destruction and palaces for his cronies."

Madeline Albright, Clinton Secretary of State, Nov. 10, 1999

***************************

"There is no doubt that ... Saddam Hussein has invigorated his weapons programs. Reports indicate that biological, chemical and nuclear programs continue apace and may be back to pre-Gulf War status. In addition, Saddam continues to redefine delivery systems and is doubtless using the cover of a licit missile program to develop longer-range missiles that will threaten the United States and our allies."

Letter to President Bush, Signed by Sen. Bob Graham (D, FL,) and others, December 5, 2001

***************************

"We begin with the common belief that Saddam Hussein is a tyrant and a threat to the peace and stability of the region. He has ignored the mandated of the United Nations and is building weapons of mass destruction and the means of delivering them."

Sen. Carl Levin (D, MI), Sept. 19, 2002

***************************

"We know that he has stored secret supplies of biological and chemical weapons throughout his country."

Al Gore, Sept. 23, 2002

***************************

"Iraq's search for weapons of mass destruction has proven impossible to deter and we should assume that it will continue for as long as Saddam is in power."

Al Gore, Sept. 23, 2002

***************************

"We have known for many years that Saddam Hussein is seeking and developing weapons of mass destruction."

Sen. Ted Kennedy (D, MA), Sept. 27, 2002

***************************

"The last UN weapons inspectors left Iraq in October of 1998. We are confident that Saddam Hussein retains some stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons, and that he has since embarked on a crash course to build up his chemical and biological warfare capabilities. Intelligence reports indicate that he is seeking nuclear weapons..."

Sen. Robert Byrd (D, WV), Oct. 3, 2002

***************************

"I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force-- if necessary-- to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security."

Sen. John F. Kerry (D, MA), Oct. 9, 2002

***************************

"There is unmistakable evidence that Saddam Hussein is working aggressively to develop nuclear weapons and will likely have nuclear weapons within the next five years ... We also should remember we have always underestimated the progress Saddam has made in development of weapons of mass destruction."

Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D, WV), Oct 10, 2002

***************************

"He has systematically violated, over the course of the past 11 years, every significant UN resolution that has demanded that he disarm and destroy his chemical and biological weapons, and any nuclear capacity. This he has refused to do"

Rep. Henry Waxman (D, CA), Oct. 10, 2002

***************************

"In the four years since the inspectors left, intelligence reports show that Saddam Hussein has worked to rebuild his chemical and biological weapons stock, his missile delivery capability, and his nuclear program. He has also given aid, comfort, and sanctuary to terrorists, including al Qaeda members. It is clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons."

Sen. Hillary Clinton (D, NY), Oct 10, 2002

***************************

"We are in possession of what I think to be compelling evidence that Saddam Hussein has, and has had for a number of years, a developing capacity for the production and storage of weapons of mass destruction."

Sen. Bob Graham (D, FL), Dec. 8, 2002

***************************

"Without question, we need to disarm Saddam Hussein. He is a brutal, murderous dictator, leading an oppressive regime ... He presents a particularly grievous threat because he is so consistently prone to miscalculation And now he is miscalculating America's response to his continued deceit and his consistent grasp for weapons of mass destruction ... So the threat of Saddam Hussein with weapons of mass destruction is real ."

Sen. John F. Kerry (D, MA), Jan. 23. 2003

***************************

SO NOW THE DEMOCRATS SAY PRESIDENT BUSH LIED, THAT THERE NEVER WERE ANY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AND HE TOOK US TO WAR FOR HIS OIL BUDDIES?

Here is an interesting bit of information that you don't hear much about in the media:

a. Enron's chairman did meet with the President and the Vice President in the Oval Office.

b. Enron gave $420,000 to the President's party over three years.

c. Enron donated $100,000 to the president's inauguration festivities.

d. The Enron chairman stayed at the White House 11 times.

e. The Enron Corporation had access to the administration at its highest levels and even enlisted the Commerce and State Departments to grease deals for it.

f. The taxpayer-supported Export-Import Bank subsidized Enron for more than $600 million in just one transaction. Scandalous!!

g. BUT...the president under whom all this happened WASN'T George W. Bush.

h. SURPRISE ......... It was Bill Clinton!

A man went to a Urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out, and then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while, but the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis mmediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another dinner roll will fit up my ass..."

Democrats have been complaining about how long the war is taking in Iraq-- but consider this:

It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound.
That was a 51 day operation.

It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.

It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!!!

Damn, our military is GREAT!!

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while
he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 01, 2003

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO
will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

===================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 02, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

==================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 03, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

===================================================================


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 04, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay
men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure
to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

===================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Fucking Employees

DATE: December 05, 2003

RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

===================================================================

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 06, 2003

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is an 82 year old US TV commentator)

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE? I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television doesn't stop you from watching them. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you. (Al)

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough.
DON'T PASS IT ON!!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties
of alcohol containers:
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
--------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
-------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 in the morning.
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better-looking than most people.
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
-----------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
----------------------------------------------
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

To those of you who fly a lot, please read these - it may help you to "lighten up" the next time the airlines of your choice causes you major aggravation! Southwest Airlines seems to not take themselves too seriously at least I have found that out the few times I've flown with them.

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

*****************************

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

*****************************

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

*******************************

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

****************************

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

*******************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

*********************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

**********************************

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public un-supervised."

**********************************

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

*****************************

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."

*****************************

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

*****************************

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

*****************************

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

*****************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault .it was the asphalt."

*****************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

*****************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*****************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
********************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

********************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

********************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

*********************************

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day his dad saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. He asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick replied, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no fucking bike”.

Here is a report from the front lines. God Bless America and those who volunteer to protect her! An amazing first-hand report of the President's visit with the troops in Iraq on Thanksgiving Day, 2003.

Sent: Thursday, December 04, 2003 10:00 AM

From: Robert M. Koltanowski, CMSgt, USAF
Superintendent, 355 Mission Support Group
5275 E. Granite St. DMAFB AZ 85707
DSN 228-3539, Comm (520) 228-3539
Fax 520 228-4621

An Email from a Captain in Iraq

We knew there was a dinner planned with ambassador Bremer and LTG Sanchez. There were 600 seats available and all the units in the division were tasked with filling a few tables. Naturally, the 501st MI battalion got our table. Soldiers were grumbling about having to sit through another dog-and-pony show, so we had to pick soldiers to attend. I chose not to go.

But, about 1500 the G2, LTC Devan, came up to me and with a smile, asked me to come to dinner with him, to meet him in his office at 1600 and bring a camera. I didn't really care about getting a picture with Sanchez or Bremer, but when the division's senior intelligence officer asks you to go, you go.

We were seated in the chow hall, fully decorated for thanksgiving when all kinds of secret service guys showed up. That was my first clue, because Bremer's been here before and his personal security detachment is not that big. Then BG Dempsey got up to speak, and he welcomed ambassador Bremer and LTG Sanchez. Bremer thanked us all and pulled out a piece of paper as if to give a speech. He mentioned that the President had given him this thanksgiving speech to give to the troops. He then paused and said that the senior man present should be the one to give it. He then looked at Sanchez, who just smiled. Bremer then said that we should probably get someone more senior to read the speech. Then, from behind the camouflage netting, the President of the United States came around.

The mess hall actually erupted with hollering. Troops bounded to their feet with shocked smiles and just began cheering with all their hearts. The building actually shook. It was just unreal. I was absolutely stunned. Not only for the obvious, but also because I was only two tables away from the podium. There he stood, less than thirty feet away from me! The cheering went on and on and on. Soldiers were hollering, cheering, and a lot of them were crying. There was not a dry eye at my table. When he stepped up to the cheering, I could clearly see tears running down his cheeks. It was the most surreal moment

I've had in years. Not since my wedding and Aaron being born. Here was this man, our President, came all the way around the world, spending 17 hours on an airplane and landing in the most dangerous airport in the world, where a plane was shot out of the sky not six days before. Just to spend two hours with his troops. Only to get on a plane and spend another 17 hours flying back. It was a great moment, and I will never forget it.

He delivered his speech, which we all loved, when he looked right at me and held his eyes on me. Then he stepped down and was just mobbed by the soldiers. He slowly worked his way all the way around the chow hall and shook every last hand extended. Every soldier who wanted a photo with the President got one. I made my way through the line, got dinner, and then wolfed it down as he was still working the room. You could tell he was really enjoying himself. It wasn't just a photo opportunity. This man was actually enjoying himself!

He worked his way over the course of about 90 minutes towards my side of the room. Meanwhile, I took the opportunity to shake a few hands. I got a picture with Ambassador Bremer, Talabani (acting Iraqi president) and Achmed Chalabi (another member of the ruling council) and Condaleeza Rice, who was also there with him.

I felt like I was drunk. He was getting closer to my table so I went back over to my seat. As he passed and posed for photos, he looked my in the eye and said "How you doin', captain." I smiled and said "God bless you, sir." To which he responded "I'm proud of what you do, captain." Then moved on.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could examine them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."