John's Jewels
Here, presented below for you enjoyment is a compendium of time wasting, e-mail inbox hogging, internet junk that has been forwarded to me via e-mail by various colleagues, friends and family members who obviously have nothing better to do with their time and resources!Sunday, May 23, 2004
NEW WIVES
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and clean dishes.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On the first day, he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Jersey girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and clean dishes.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On the first day, he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Jersey girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
IDIOTS
The Number One Idiot of the Year
A medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison control center received a call from a woman who was very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. He quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation just happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. He told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
The Number Two Idiot of the Year
Early in the year, two employees at the sprawling Boeing plant decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s they were working on. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly thereafter they took it for a float on the river. As they were enjoying their big boating adventure, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
The Number Three Idiot of the Year
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of America branch, walked into the bank and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all Your muny in this bag" on the back of a deposit ticket. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
The Number Five Idiot of The Year
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he also wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because “I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the thief that she got from his driver's license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
The Number Six Idiot of the Year
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit promptly shot him.
The Number Seven Idiot of the Year
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
The Number Eight Idiot of the Year
Ann Arbor, Michigan: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison control center received a call from a woman who was very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. He quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation just happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. He told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
The Number Two Idiot of the Year
Early in the year, two employees at the sprawling Boeing plant decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s they were working on. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly thereafter they took it for a float on the river. As they were enjoying their big boating adventure, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
The Number Three Idiot of the Year
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of America branch, walked into the bank and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all Your muny in this bag" on the back of a deposit ticket. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
The Number Five Idiot of The Year
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he also wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because “I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the thief that she got from his driver's license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
The Number Six Idiot of the Year
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit promptly shot him.
The Number Seven Idiot of the Year
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
The Number Eight Idiot of the Year
Ann Arbor, Michigan: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. You think the bluebook value of your truck goes up and down; depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
23. Your working T. V. sits on top of your non-working R. V.
24. You thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.
25. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
26. You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
27. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
28. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
29. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher
30. You've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
31. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
32. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
33. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
34. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
35. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. You don't understand why the first 35 are not funny
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. You think the bluebook value of your truck goes up and down; depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
23. Your working T. V. sits on top of your non-working R. V.
24. You thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.
25. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
26. You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
27. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
28. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
29. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher
30. You've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
31. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
32. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
33. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
34. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
35. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. You don't understand why the first 35 are not funny
Monday, May 10, 2004
BROKEN DICK
This guy is out on the golf course when he is hit by a screaming drive right in his groin. He falls to the ground, writhing in pain. Eventually, he makes it to the doctor's office to be examined.
"How's it look Doc.?” he asks.
"Not too bad, says the doctor, you should be alright in about a week."
"Thank heavens," says the guy, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiancé is a virgin in every way. I wouldn't want to disappoint her."
The doctor takes 4 tongue depressors and wires them into place, one on each side of the guy’s penis. Once finished the contraption is quite an engineering marvel. The guy says nothing to his fiancé about what happened, and as planned, gets married and goes on the honeymoon.
In the honeymoon suite his new bride opens her gown top and displays a beautiful set of breasts. "These are for you. No one has ever even seen them before," she says.
The groom quickly drops his pants and proudly states, "And this is for you honey. And look, it's still in the crate!"
"How's it look Doc.?” he asks.
"Not too bad, says the doctor, you should be alright in about a week."
"Thank heavens," says the guy, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiancé is a virgin in every way. I wouldn't want to disappoint her."
The doctor takes 4 tongue depressors and wires them into place, one on each side of the guy’s penis. Once finished the contraption is quite an engineering marvel. The guy says nothing to his fiancé about what happened, and as planned, gets married and goes on the honeymoon.
In the honeymoon suite his new bride opens her gown top and displays a beautiful set of breasts. "These are for you. No one has ever even seen them before," she says.
The groom quickly drops his pants and proudly states, "And this is for you honey. And look, it's still in the crate!"
Saturday, May 08, 2004
DISGRACE OUR FAMILY
A young girl was going on her first date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here my dear and let me tell you about young boys."
“He will try to kiss you on the mouth and you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. “
“He is going to try and feel your breasts and you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. “
“But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. Now, you are going to like that also, but don't let him do it. It will disgrace our family!"
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day, when asked, she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried to get on top of me, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
Granny fainted.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
WELFARE OFFICE
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who owns a beer distributorship and wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, all meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on long overseas holiday trips. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it"
Saturday, May 01, 2004
TO REALIZE
To realize
The value of a sister:
Ask someone who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.
Time waits for no one!
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
The value of a sister:
Ask someone who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.
Time waits for no one!
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
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