John's Jewels

6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:05pm - Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations
6:10pm - Secular words by Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
6:30pm - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.
6:45pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00pm - Tribute theme to France.
7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.
7:30pm - Tribute theme to Germany.
7:45pm - Anti-war rally moderated by Michael Moore.
8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00pm - Homosexual marriage ceremony for male and female couples.
9:30pm - CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN urge defeat of President Bush.
10:00pm - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10pm - Reenactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:20pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:30pm - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50pm - Special thanks to the New York Times &Washington Post.
11:00pm - Multiple homosexual marriage ceremony for threesomes and groups.
11:15pm - Maximizing Welfare workshop.
11:30pm - Saddam Legal Defense Fund pep rally.
11:50PM - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:00pm - Nomination of Democratic candidate.
5:00am - Ted Kennedy will conduct a swimming and water safety class.

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless in NY



Dear Clueless in NY:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore -- you're a United States Senator now.

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

You really have to make sure things are perfectly understood nowadays!

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine and into your brain, and that is where shitty ideas come from!

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded, and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it will take! It will nearly exhaust all the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent. Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy."

The Lord replied, "So, you want two lanes or four on that bridge?

New Regulations found in the 2004 New Jersey Division of Motor Vehicle's Handbook

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV among them and there is NO REMOTE.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins... only if... he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called “Mother."

A woman walks into a pharmacy asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She replies, "I want to kill my husband because he is cheating on me with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I’m sorry, I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

A loud pounding on their front door awakens a man and his wife at 3:00 in the morning.
The man gets up and goes to the door where he finds a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain asking for a push.
"No way," says the husband "its 3:00 in the morning!" and he slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asks his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he grumbles.
"Well aren't you going to help him out?" she asks.
"Not a chance, its 3:00 in the morning and its pouring rain out there!" he answers.
"Well you sure have a short memory," she tells him "don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us out?" "I think you should be ashamed of yourself, and if you're not going to help him then I will." Said the wife.
"Alright, I'll help him!" he grumbles. So he gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark
"Hey, are you still out here?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" yells out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.