John's Jewels

There was a 10-year-old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed for the door. The Madam stopped him and asked why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?

"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and, HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

A middle aged lady decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read: 

"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring.

Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you----you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"

She snorted, "You have no arms either!"

Again the man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"

The lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.

"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.

The man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

I'm trying to get all this political stuff straightened out in my head so I'll know how to vote come November.  Right now, we have one guy saying one thing.  Then the other guy says something else.  Whom to believe?   Let me see, have I got this straight?

Clinton awards Halliburton a no-bid contract in Yugoslavia........good.
Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq............................bad.
 
Clinton spends 77 billion on war in Serbia.....good.
Bush spends 87 billion in Iraq...........................bad.
 
Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia.......good.
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq................bad.
 
Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists.....good.
Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator..........................................bad.
 
Clinton bombs Chinese embassy................good.
Bush bombs terrorist camps........................bad.
 
Clinton commits felonies while in office.......good.
Bush lands on aircraft carrier in jumpsuit....bad.
 
Clinton says there are mass graves in Serbia.............good.
Entire world says there are WMD in Iraq....................bad.
 
No mass graves found in Serbia................good.
No WMD found in Iraq.................................bad.
 
Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton....good.
Economy improves under Bush.............................bad.
 
Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden........good.
World Trade Centers fall under Bush......................bad.
 
Clinton says Saddam has nukes..............good.
Bush says Saddam has nukes....................bad.
 
Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq.....good.
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq..........bad.
 
Terrorist training camps in Afghanistan under Clinton...............good.
Bush destroys terrorist training camps in Afghanistan.................bad.
 
Milosevic not yet convicted..................good.
Saddam turned over for trial.................bad.
 
Ah, it's just so confusing!
 
It is all so confusing, I just don’t get it.

 
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.  But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
 
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
 
Old age ain't no place for sissies.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do what he can't.

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. 

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. 

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss.  And they called ME slow!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Hoover makes one you can ride on.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.  If you want anything done, ask a woman.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

 
God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given...
 
WOMEN:

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, yet they hold happiness, love, and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home.  They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.    They wear suits, jeans, and uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up againstinjustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right schools and to get their    family the right healthcare! They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.   Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart; they know that knowledge is power, but they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.  Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
 
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.
 
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy shit and killing bugs 
 

 
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said, "you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
 
He went in and did what he needed to do, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.  Each button was identified by the letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.  Who would know if he touched them he thought?
 
He couldn't resist...he pushed WW button and warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  What a nice feeling, he thought.  Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
 
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.  Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
 
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button and a large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.  This ladies room is far more than a restroom he thought, it is a tender loving pleasure!  When the powder puff completed its mission, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
 
The next thing he knew, he was in a hospital and, as soon as he opened his eyes, saw a nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
 
"What happened?" he exclaimed.
 
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
 
“The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover and your penis is under your pillow."

 
1.  Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
 
2.  Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
3.  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.  So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
 
4.  How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
 
5.  A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you    saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
 
6.  I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
 
7.  When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
 
8.  Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
 
9.  Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
 
10.  Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
 
11.  Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
 
12.  Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
 
13.  Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher... and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

 
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu.  The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.  The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
 
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of mutton.  She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with the leg of lamb.
 
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.  Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.  The lady got what she wanted.
 
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
 
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What were you thinking?  Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!     Now get back to work......

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hockey, the latest video game, or cars.

22. You have enough clothes.

23. You have too many shoes.

24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected the following items: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt at the check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk as to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

First-year students at a prestigious Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered by a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them. "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you cannot be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Now, you go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually each took a turn sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. Your nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his naked father in bed, on top of the nanny. He finally gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the future is in deep shit!

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful -- you guessed it -- blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"