John's Jewels

1) An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him to remove a curse he has been living with for the past 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you must tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you Man and Wife."

2) While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all in one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied, "You'll never get it all in one."

3) A little boy went to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all my intelligence come from?" "Well son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat in silence as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more money?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Yes. For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING (actually a little scary)

11 has become to be a very interesting number. It could be a forced coincidence, but in any case this is interesting. You decide for yourself:

1) New York City has 11 letters.

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W. Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence but here is what is very interesting:

1) New York is the eleventh state.

2) The first plane to crash into the World Trade Center was AA flight #11.

3) Flight # 11 was carrying 92 passengers Adding these number gives us: 9+2=11.

4) Flight # 77, the second plane to hit the twin towers, was carrying 65 passengers, adding these numbers together we get: 6+5=11.

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11. Adding this: 9+1+1=11

6) The date is equal to the emergency number 911. Adding this: 9+1+1=11

Now it gets even more eerie:

1) The total number of victims inside the planes are 254: 2+5+4=11

2) The day September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year: 2+5+4=11

3) After September 11, there are 111 days more to the end of the year.

4) The tragedy of 3/11/2004 in Madrid also adds to: 3+1+1+2+4=11.

5) The tragedy in Madrid happened 911 days after the tragedy of the Twin Towers.

Spooky huh, read on! This is really eerie:

Since America is typically represented by an Eagle. Saddam and Bin Laden should have read up on their Muslim passages... The following verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible).

Quran (9:11) -- For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

Note the verse number!!!!!

DID YOU KNOW?

1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq.

2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq.

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.

9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

10. Amos cried out in Iraq!

11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem.

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!

13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.

17. The wise men were from Iraq.

18. Peter preached in Iraq.

19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon,which was a city in Iraq!

And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name, Iraq, means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible. No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq.

And also... This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages...

The following verse is from the Koran (the Islamic Bible):

Koran (9:11) - "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!

(UPI)By I.M. Lyon UPI Reporter at large.

This morning--from a cave somewhere in Pakistan--Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Great Britian that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Britian and America's supply of convenience store managers. Omar further stated that if this action does not yield sufficient results, the cab drivers will be next.

It's starting to get ugly.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, it looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches! We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating, as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now, go on and have a nice day. Go do something you WANT to do, not something you SHOULD DO. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, whom would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask, "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow" and in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die, or just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift thrown away. Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday, Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.

"ASSHOLES!" she yelled.......

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks, Jane Fonda, John Kerry and Michael Moore.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.... But they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Tomorrow, bring your parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots will teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you Father," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Much impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

Is it just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate.

They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in our country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S!

My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the United States.