John's Jewels

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your dang chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogen's they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.

If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend.

Two families move from the Middle East to the USA.

When they arrive the two fathers make a bet. In a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, how do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers! " Yes, Giorgio, I do , but how do you know that?"

He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true."

Carmella answers, " Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says. "Thanka God... thought I had a CRACK in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes."

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

"Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Shamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. Laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites surround my military complex. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John, as he is so nice even with all his peircings, tattoos, beard and his motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only passion Mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we would be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. & I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer. I love you. Call when it is safe for me to come home!!

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!

I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the ass. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect.

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.