John's Jewels

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question . . "

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

1. Does not believe in capital punishment, but supports abortion on demand.

2. Believes that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. Believes that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. Believes that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. Believes that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. Believes that gender roles are artificial and being homosexual is natural.

7. Believes that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. Believes that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. Believes that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. Believes that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. Believes that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.

12. Believes the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. Believes that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. Believes that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. Believes that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. Believes that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. Believes that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. Believes conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. Believes that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. Believes that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. Believes that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.