John's Jewels

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, my new doctor said I was doing "fairly well" for a man of my age (58).

I was a little concerned about that comment, and I couldn't resist asking him, "So do you think I'll live to be 100?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no", I replied. "I quit smoking several years ago and I don’t drink."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?"

"No I don't", I said. “I seldom go out in the sun as it can give you skin cancer!”

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around sexually?"

"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a shit if you live to be 100?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his coworker to normally be a pretty conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Look, don't make a big deal out of it, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing it?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Jesus was teaching around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God, there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?

Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting to get in.

He pushed his way through the crowd and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is!"

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop. Can you guess what it read?


(Scroll down)




Lord & Taylor

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that the jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled, "I'm glad you asked. It goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

A middle-aged woman goes to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she recently purchased because it doesn’t work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY
NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" This attracts a large crowd of other shoppers. The befuddled clerk runs off to get the store manager.

Shortly, the manager and the clerk return to the service desk and the manager asks the woman, "Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"

She explains her issue with the toaster, and he confirms what the clerk previously told her, that he cannot give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" Of course, doing so draws an even larger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I’m getting screwed!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final exam then, they decided that after the final, they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They told the professor that they had visited friends but on the way back, they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final and could they make it up?

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied all that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave each of them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth five points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this is going to be easy.

Then each of them turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper I found in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the track, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."