John's Jewels

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy your boat, and the day you sell your boat.

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented the boat out to a group of out-of-towners, who sank the boat!

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much of the boat's contents as he could, and could not be reached all day and into the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly that afternoon.

When he got back to shore he stopped at the grocery for a few things.
A kind old neighbor lady saw him, mistook him for his twin brother John, and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss". "You must feel terrible?"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is that I am glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole would leak like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to all get into her at once and she split right down the middle!"

That's when the old neighbor woman fainted!!

A guy is in the checkout line at a local super market when he notices that the rather foxy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies " I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Christ," he says, "Are you that strip-o-gram broad from my bachelor party that I boffed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!”

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet, the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches than there are casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to redeem the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by a chip monk.

Recently, Hillary Clinton went to a primary school in Ithaca, New York, to talk about current events with the children. After her talk she offered question and answer time. One little boy raised his hand. The Senator asked him his name.

The little boy replied "Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions Senator Clinton:

1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess and Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

Afterwards, when they resume Hillary says "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up and Hillary points to him and asks him his name.

He replies, "Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"Well, Senator I have 5 questions:
1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4. Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And,
5. What happened to Kenneth?"