John's Jewels

The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech blasting the Western nations and walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador John Bolton.

They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show, "Star Trek" and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, Spock who is Vulcan; but there are no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on "Star Trek."

Ambassador Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "That's because Star Trek takes place in the future, my friend."

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and went into a local shop on Main Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary '08.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt fell off.

The moral of the story is: "Don't screw around with things you don't understand or you'll lose your ass".

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back to the company 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services".

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right. This would be a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't George Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,


Bill Clinton

Pregnant

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy test.

The test is positive.

Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will each receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again..."

1. You're bald your whole life.

2. You have a hole in your head.

3. Your neighbors are nuts.

4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint

Dear Senior Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Sincerely,

Your Penis

Reply:

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have put forth, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You can not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

Las Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap no hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down the street?"

"Yes."

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the Street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "O.K. Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

“No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."