John's Jewels

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

40-ish = 49.
Adventurous = Slept with everyone.
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Moooo.
Beautiful = Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure = On medication.
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former slut.
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned = Doesn’t give BJs.
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Hugh frame = Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate = Stalker

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife and, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."

Two sisters, one blonde the other brunette, inherit the family cattle ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a distant city so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving the ranch, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her just one word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly . 'com-for-da-bul'."

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.

Truth be told, he, a resturant owner, is not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about, numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wiff Broccori?"

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?"

Is it mine?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

Capital Gains Tax

CDL license Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Court Fines (indirect taxes)

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel permit tax

Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Local Income Tax

Luxury Taxes

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Personal Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Septic Permit Tax

Service Charge Taxes

Social Security Tax (FICA)

Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)

Sales Tax

Recreational Vehicle Tax

Road Toll Booth Taxes

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone federal excise tax

Telephone federal universal service fee tax

Telephone federal, state and Local telephone surcharge tax

Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax

Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax

Telephone state and local tax

Telephone usage charge tax

Toll Bridge Taxes

Toll Tunnel Taxes

Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)

Trailer Registration Tax

Utility Taxes

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the hell happened?

1. Two times a week, go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, you go on Fridays.

2. Sleep in separate beds, preferably in different states.

3. I take your wife everywhere. Maybe she wouldn’t be able to find her way back.

4. When you ask your wife where she wants to go for your anniversary and she answers, "Somewhere we haven't been in a long time!" Suggested the kitchen.

5. Always hold hands. If you let go, she’ll shop.

6. If she has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker, electric food processor, electric can opener and an electric grill and complains that there are too many gadgets and no place to sit down, buy her an electric chair!

7. If you marry Miss Right, make sure her first name isn’t Always.

8. If you haven't spoken to your wife in 18 months, understand that it’s not polite to interrupt.

9. Remember all fights are always your fault! When she asks, "What’s on TV tonight dear?" don’t answer "dust."

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," he replies

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I’d guess about 29."

The Woman replies, "Nope I'm 50"

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 years old and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was younger, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big tits, and wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

A North American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read blogs with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, she starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair".

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Murphy worked in the lumberyard for nearly twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing wood and selling it.

At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, its 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

Murphy said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and
Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving from Boston to New York City and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." So, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's known as Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress and walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's called Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's an example of a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you. That's called Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words 'I do.'

Here's an example of what I mean. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

'I said 'WHAT? What was that?'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads hearing...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went to a fine restaurant for a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, fancy department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out an exquisite pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier'.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT?

'I then said, 'Really honey! I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family and I went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the museum and we were fascinated by all the different paintings on the wall."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I really wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny had burned her before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

Watch out for a new scam at the local Mall.

Two good-looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking at the Mall. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex; the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It’s impossible not to look, but when you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you for a ride home from the Mall.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start having sex in the back seat. Then one of them performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

WEATHER BULLETIN: Up here in the Northern Plains we just recovered from a Historic event --- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" --- with a historic blizzard of up to 24" inches of snow and winds to 50 MPH that broke trees in half, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed all roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.

FYI:

George Bush did not come.

FEMA staged nothing.

No one howled for the government.

No one even uttered an expletive on TV.

Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.

No one asked for a FEMA House Trailer.

No one looted.

Phil Cantori of the Weather Channel did not come.

And Geraldo Rivera did not move in.

Nope, we just melted snow for water, sent out caravans to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars, fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Aladdin lamps, and put on an extra layer of clothes because up here it is 'work or die'.

We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks.

Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never occurred this early, we know it can happen up here and we know how to deal with it ourselves.

"In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the worlds social problems evaporate."

---The above text is from a county emergency manager in the western part of North Dakota after the storm.

Wise Indian

An old Indian chief sat on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Friendship among Women:

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through San Quentin, the crips were protesting, and liberals were ventin'.

The cyanide hung by the chamber with care, in hopes that the reaper soon would be there.

The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed; except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead.

And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.

I set up my TIVO to record the news station, and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion.

It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, and that there would be one less savage today.

When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras had turned to see what was the matter.

When what to my civilized eyes did appear, but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.

The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence; clutching his books.

The tears then flew out from Sarandon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all towing the line of the urban decay.

On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters, On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters.

Then at 12:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a beeotch as they gave him the needle.

When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE !!

I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, Merry Christmas to all...there was justice tonight !!

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .

No Jesus

No Christmas

No television

No cheerleaders

No baseball

No football

No hockey

No golf

No tailgate parties

No Wal-Mart

No Home Depot

No pork BBQ

No hot dogs

No burgers

No chocolate chip cookies

No lobster

No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

No gumbo

No jambalaya

No Beer

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and
there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

More than one wife.

You can't shave.

Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over
burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else.

She smells just like your donkey.

But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?