John's Jewels

A young hillbilly named Kenny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny said, "Oh sure, the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 52-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me running for the United States Congress and I’m in training. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he offered to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his very confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it" he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, two with meatballs, one without."

A little boy walks into his parent’s room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

“You're wasting your time." say's the boy.

“Why is that?” asks his mom, puzzled?

“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up".

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves, wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut blisters or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do your Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!