John's Jewels

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly there emerges from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear there stands a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde walks up to the stunned Irishman and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and un-zips a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," says the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asks the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve un-zips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask and takes a long drink. “’Tis nectar of the gods!" states the Irishman. “’Tis truly fantastic!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looks at the trembling man and asks, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman falls to his knees and sobs, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Life in Reverse

The life cycle is all backwards!

You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Finally, you get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities: you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies,"You just happened to catch my eye."

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything Under One Roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss likes the kid and gives him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job is rough, but he gets through it. After the store is locked up, the boss comes down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then, he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "Heck no, the guy came in to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..."

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock, cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the WinchesterSilver Tips or Hollow Points? Son: Can I shoot the next one! Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist.

The following was excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

“Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.”

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...