John's Jewels

A Muslim Imom was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Dubai to Melbourne.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a Rum and Coke, which was soon placed before him.

The Flight Attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

Shocked to hear that, the Aussie handed his drink back to the Attendant and said, ”Me too...... I didn't know we had a choice."

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.”

“It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Let's see..........where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I'm off now, the man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning, Ma'am”, he said, “I've come to...''

“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I've been expecting you.”

“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”

“Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.” After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

”Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!”

“Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that's a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith. “Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.”

“Don't I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.

“Oh my God,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

“Yes,” the photographer replied, “and for more than three hours, too.”

“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh….equipment?'”

“It's true, Ma'am, yes.”

Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”

“Tri-pod?”

“Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.”

Mrs. Smith fainted!

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they are whirled to the land of OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City ... ...and go to find the Great Wizard.

“What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?” He asks.

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says: “I've come for some courage.”

“No Problem!” Says the Wizard. “Who’s next?”

Richard Nixon next steps forward, and says: “Well, I think I need a heart.”

“Done!” says the Wizard.

“And who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”

Up step George Bush who says: “Some dumb ass liberals say that I need a brain.”

The Wizard says, “No problem! Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, 'Well, what the hell do you want?'

“IS DOROTHY HERE?”