John's Jewels

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.

"The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh, my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?

"He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a hair cut, thanks the hairdresser, and asks him how much he owes.

The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house".

The priest is most grateful, and says, "Thank you, my son", and leaves.

When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.

Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader: a man of the people. I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."

The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.

When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.

The following week, a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask you to pay anything, it's on the house. You are a learned and wise man, go in peace."

The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.

When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95? "

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends."

”You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.”

Chris Rock.

A Mexican, an Indian (from India) and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Indian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In India we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the India. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Indians that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America!

One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,"I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the $10."

As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business".

After being married for 44 years, one day, I took a careful look at my wife and said “Honey 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, we slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to go to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old gal.

Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big king sized bed and a plasma big screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a sixty-five year old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.