John's Jewels

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf"

The Democrats now promise "A New Direction for America"

Let’s see:

The stock market is at a new all-time high and America's 401K's are back. A new direction from there means, what?

Unemployment is at a 25 year low. A new direction from there means, what?

Oil prices are plummeting. A new direction from there means, what?

Taxes are at a 20 year low. A new direction from there means, what?

Federal tax revenues are at all-time highs. A new direction from there means, what?

The Federal deficit is down almost 50%, just as predicted over last year. A new direction from there means, what?

Home valuations are up 200% over the past 3.5 years. A new direction from there means, what?

Inflation is in check, hovering at 20 year lows. A new direction from there means, what?

Not a single terrorist attack on US soil since 9/11/01. A new direction from there means, what?

Osama bin Laden is living under a rock in a dark cave, having not surfaced in years, if he's alive at all, while 95% of Al Queda's top dogs are either dead or in custody, cooperating with US Intel. A new direction from there means, what? Several major terrorist attacks already thwarted by US and British Intel, including the recent planned attack involving 10 Jumbo Jets being exploded in mid-air over major US cities in order to celebrate the anniversary of the 9/11/01 attacks. A new direction from there means, what?

Just as President Bush foretold us on a number of occasions, Iraq was to be made "ground zero" for the war on terrorism -- and just as President Bush said they would, terrorist cells from all over the region are arriving from the shadows of their hiding places and flooding into Iraq in order to get their faces blown off by US Marines rather than boarding planes and heading to the United States to wage war on us here. A new direction from there means, what?

Now let me see, do I have this right? I can expect:

The economy to go South.

Illegals to go North.

Taxes to go Up.

Employment to go Down.

Terrorism to come In Tax breaks to go out.

Social Security to goes Away.

Health Care to go the same way as gas prices.

But what the heck! I can gain comfort by knowing that Nancy Pelosi, Hillory Clinton, John Kerry, Edward Kennedy, Howard Dean, Dick, "The Turban" Durban, Harry Reed and Barack Obama have worked hard to create a comprehensive "National Security Plan", "Health Care Plan", "Immigration Reform Plan", "Gay Rights Plan", "Same Sex Marriage Plan", "Abortion On Demand Plan", "Tolerance of Everyone and Everything Plan", "How to Return all Troops to the U.S. in The Next Six Months Plan", "A Get Tough Plan", adapted from the French Plan by the same name and a "How Everyone Can Become as Wealthy as We Are Plan".

Oops, I forgot the "No More Katrina Storm Plan".

Now I know why I feel good after the elections. I am going to be able to sleep so much better at nights knowing these dedicated politicians are thinking of me and my welfare.

Lost in the Darnedest Places

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ________________________________________________________________________
Family
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old, sitting at the kitchen table having tea is listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ________________________________________________________________________
“I Can Hear Just Fine”

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer" _______________________________________________________________________
Little Lady:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________________________________________
Old Friends:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________________________________________
Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _______________________________________________________________________
Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen holes, shooting a personal best, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital, saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were enjoying yourself playing golf for the past four hours, your wife has been lying in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwing with you, she’s actually dead! What’d you shoot?”

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now…
· No Jesus
· No Christmas
· No television
· No cheerleaders
· No baseball
· No football
· No hockey
· No golf
· No tailgate parties
· No Wal-Mart
· No Home Depot
· No pork BBQ
· No hot dogs
· No burgers
· No chocolate chip cookies
· No lobster
· No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
· No gumbo
· No jambalaya
· No Beer
· Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
· Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
· Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
· More than one wife.
· You can't shave.
· Your wives can't shave.
· You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
· The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
· Your bride is picked by someone else.
· She smells just like your donkey.
· But your donkey has a better disposition.
· Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
Is there a mystery here?

No matter what Saul did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you. This will help you wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, you see, you young schmuck, NOW THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on Interstate 95 south, just outside of Washington DC.

Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon"

Harry and his wife have fallen on hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A hand job."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says okay, she gets in the car; he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”