John's Jewels

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to a bank over a busy lunch hour.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy’s ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: - a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and - a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me, your faithful wife, and the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!” she yells.

The husband, replies "Wait, wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened".

"Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . .

"Here’s what happened: While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night; you know the ones wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, you know, the ones you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her that blouse I gave you on our anniversary, the one you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I also gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister. Then, I also gave her the boots that you bought at that expensive boutique, the ones that you never wore again after you saw a co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she politely asked me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"