John's Jewels

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach the subject with her, he called upon the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!"

A man checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get him one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo -- she had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind.

So he's alone in his room and figures, what the hell, he'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says.

God she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky… the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've gotin your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear leather, cover me in chocolate syrup and Whip cream, anything you want baby.

Now, how does that sound?

"She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9 first"

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back Middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008".

"Great, but how do you propose we go about that?” asked Bill.

"Well", Hillary responds, "We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most Middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.

With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says,"Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"

Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over "'Tell me", said Hillary, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the bartender, "It’s just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!"