John's Jewels

Here, presented below for you enjoyment is a compendium of time wasting, e-mail inbox hogging, internet junk that has been forwarded to me via e-mail by various colleagues, friends and family members who obviously have nothing better to do with their time and resources!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Missus and I

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last nite she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ´Screw it, I’ll soldier on!

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

posted by John R # 9:07 AM

Friday, February 21, 2014

Man Killed on Golf Course . . .. The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu**ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds:
"Well, there you have it...
You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 68.......

posted by John R # 9:41 AM

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Why the Olympics are called the Olympics

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ...

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"Oh!! Limp Pricks!!!

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into " "Olympics".

posted by John R # 11:43 AM