John's Jewels

Here, presented below for you enjoyment is a compendium of time wasting, e-mail inbox hogging, internet junk that has been forwarded to me via e-mail by various colleagues, friends and family members who obviously have nothing better to do with their time and resources!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Little Girl on a Plane

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike

up a conversation with a fellow passenger.

"The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,

"What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal

health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question

first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes

little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps.

Why do you suppose that is?

"The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and

says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming,

universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book

posted by John R # 12:43 PM

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Golf Cart Accidents

One day many years ago, during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John and I'm okay thanks," I replied.
"John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now"
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
I said...... "Probably still under the cart......"

posted by John R # 11:00 AM

The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one"

He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

posted by John R # 10:30 AM

Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about
people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between
them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your
wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are
you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

posted by John R # 10:27 AM

Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Italian Funeral...

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single-file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's.” "What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.” He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "can I borrow the dog?” The Italian man replied, "Go at the end of the line."

posted by John R # 10:18 AM